seticat: (love - broken heart by lizzielizzie)
Just after midnight, Oct 2, 2009, the Canyon County Paramedics sat me down and told me that Jeff was gone. "The Worst Day"

It's been a hard year. I'm not *over it*. I don't think this is the sort of thing you're ever over. But my 'getting through the next five minutes' is now more like 'getting through the next day'. Things still reach out and grab me. Something will catch my eye and I turn to tell him about it. Or I see something on the Internet and think, "I need to send that to Jeff.' That will never change. We shared the same off beat, disjointed sense of humor ['The Great Annual Grocery Bag Migration', 'The Shopping Cart Rebellion', 'The Night Santa Cthulhu Came to Visit', etc] and I miss matching wits and reveling in the few times I could actually catch him speechless.

Things like that.

But more and more I'm remembering the good times over our 22+ years together rather then that one horrible night.

We were horrible about photos. Neither of us liked having our picture taken. So I have few photos to remember him by. But we both had an affection for our respective spirit & totem animals. His was Stag, more specifically an Irish Red Deer Stag, and mine was Cougar, but sometimes the down to Earth domestic cat would bring the messages. When you're walk 'alternate spiritual pathways', you try to keep your mind open to whatever messenger comes.

In life, his color scheme ran to reds, blacks and silvery grays and mine was Autumn colors: rusts, golden yellows and green.

Yes, all of this leads somewhere.

A very kind hearted and wonderful artist that I met on the [ profile] teenycom art community had a style I liked and I contacted her to see if she'd be willing to do a commission for me. She agreed and over the space of a few months and a flurry of emails I left it in her hands knowing I would love what she created.

The finished art came in yesterday and it's so far past my expatiations there simply aren't words.

This small size shown here doesn't do it justice so if you'd like, go see the larger version here:

It doesn't make the pain and loss go away, but it helps bring back the feel of being held safe and warm in someone's arms.

Thank you, Mearu. So very, very much.


Feb. 9th, 2010 05:23 pm
seticat: (fun - laser-warning - mine)
FRACK! Frackity frack FRACK!

[.... deep sigh .........}

I know it's been awhile since I've posted things around losing Jeff last October. FWIW - it's still hard and I tend to ostrich myself. But there are times when things are just out to get you and your recovery process.

I finally got the last check sent in to the funeral home. Yes, I know - he was a vet. And yes, VA should be covering this. But there are several, teeny tiny, little bitty, super secret sub clauses on just who qualifies for death benefits. And so far as everyone I've talked with, his 'status' with VA [disability case pending, 0% awarded disability so far] and the situation surrounding his death [at home vrs in the ER, etc] means there's no qualification for payment/repayment of funeral costs.

[... another deep sigh ........}

So today brings a new twist. I just got an $800 bill from the ambulance company for the call.

Okay - I am *not* mad at the company. $800 for 20+ minutes of 3 responder ALS is entirely reasonable. What's got my Wheaties frosted is the fact that Medicare refuses to pay. Their reason? The 'presumptive' date of death is listed as 1 October. The parameds called the code on the 2 October. So Medicare is saying that since the coroner 'said' he died on the 1st, there's no way the ambulance company could have been called on the 2nd so it *must* be a fraudulent claim.


Trust me, I *DO NOT* like the lead coroner here. She strikes me as far more worried about being the 'big stud dog' in the male gene pool and much less worried about what may actually have happen. But that's my call on it. My opinion - free and worth every single cent you paid for it. Luckily the ambulance company is willing to work with me on this. But tomorrow I'm going to have to dive into the Swamp Known as Medicare and hope I can talk to a live body and get this sorted out.

But excuse me if I don't think it will be anywhere that easy.

[............... double deep sigh ................... ]

In Memoriam

Oct. 8th, 2009 11:23 pm
seticat: (love - love - one-bullet-left)
From the Idaho Press-Tribune: Jeffry Alan James

My most sincere thanks yous to Joseph Fuller who wrote much of the actual narrative of the obituary. We family members were able to simple sit and share memories and he gleaned the nuggets and made them into something readable.

Today was the grave side memorial. There was no internment today - we're still awaiting the ashes, the plaque from VA and such. There will be an internment of some of his ashes later and other will be spread to the winds in various locations.

More perhaps later - as things settle out in my head.
seticat: (love - broken heart by lizzielizzie)

"Wild Mountain Thyme"

Oh, the summer time is coming,
And the trees are sweetly blooming,
And the wild mountain thyme
Grows around the purple heather.

Will you go, laddie, go?
And we'll all go together
To pull wild mountain thyme
From around the purple heather.

Will you go, laddie, go?

I will build my love a bower
By yon crystal fountain,
And in it I will pile,
All the flowers of the mountain.

Will you go, laddie, go?
And we'll all go together
To pull wild mountain thyme
From around the purple heather.

Will you go, laddie, go?


Oct. 4th, 2009 12:47 pm
seticat: (* sca - dame-rowan - mine)
This pretty much applies only to those folks in the SCA, but one never knows.

If anyone out there has any photos of Cairbre/Jeff, could they consider scanning them and mailing them to me? We lost so many things in the house fire years ago and our photos were pretty much a 100% loss. Also, if you could ask your friends and have them ask their friends? I could really use some good memories right now.

My thanks to you.
seticat: (love - broken heart by lizzielizzie)
They teach you in EMS that you'll be dealing with people who are having the worst day of their lives at the time you meet them.

This day is mine.

My heart, my soul and the man I've shared the last 22 years of my life with died very early this morning. I found him down, no pulse, called 911 and started CPR. The parameds, the fire department and the police were all here within minutes, but I think I knew in my heart when I found him that the very best efforts would still be too late.

He fought his demons as best he could - he was in pain the last few years, physical as well as in his soul. I'm *not* going to say his demons won - that's not like him at all. But something happened in the dark of the night that took him away from this world and on to the next.

His family here and I don't know the cause of death as of yet. An autopsy is in the works. I just came back from saying goodbye to his physical form. I talked and tried to say so many things that I hope he heard. And I left him with the very first necklace he ever saw me wearing and a pink just opening rose bud from the bush that's growing in wild abandon by the back door.

He was explicit that he did *not* want the 'formal funeral trappings' so as to his wishes, his mom and I saw him today and said our goodbyes at the funeral home. After all the legal aspects are dealt with, his mortal husk will be consigned to the fire and his ashes will be spread in places he loved. Those who wish a memorial shall have one and those who want a wake - he'd love that.

And I *know* that when it is my time, he'll be waiting for me at the end of the Rainbow Bridge. And arm in arm we will walk over it together and be reunited with all our friends both two legged and four in 'the Place Where No Shadows Fall'.

I love you, Jeff. I have loved you and I will always love you.

And Dear Gods I miss you...


seticat: (Default)

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